On 15th October, the Prime Minister summarized the Mayor’s receipt of an excess $90,000 in salary, stipend, or whateveryacallit, as a ‘miscommunication’ or ‘misunderstanding.’ If you did this in the private sector, your employer would zoom past those ‘mis’es, continue past ‘misappropriation’ and land on ‘embezzlement’ or ‘theft.’ Or, maybe he’d overlook the ‘mis’take if he thought you brought him several thousand customers in return, true? Guilt and results are inversely related, apparently. So, given that in the World of Politics, the only results that matter are how many convention votes she (ahem) commissioned, Her Lordship’s not guilty –it’s just reimbursement of expenses.
These days, the public sector is the center of our own Bizarro World, where beggars are choosers, losers win, and immorality is the new morality. Only under such rules can I believe that Mayor Z deserves this lee bonus the PM granted her. But given the number of personnel now on suspension from City Hall, she might be the only critter left minding the shop, except for the cleaning lady and a coupla Charlie Prices. Okay, let’s give her a raise! Summarizing the rest of a Mayor’s daily concerns:
Potholes? Trivial.
Garbage-strewn, dust-laden streets? Insignificant.
Overgrown rat-infested empty lots? Irrelevant!
Unpaid taxes we’re too lazy to collect? Wayne, say something! Do that whining voodoo that you do so well!
An invitation to fly halfway around the world? Come, Dalla Moya, pack your bags and carry mine, we fly Fus’ Class, yuh knoa?
Well, the lady disappeared for a bit (see Missing: One Belize City Mayor), but she’s back with a giggling vengeance (and wanting that raise) while many lesser folk are in trouble over ‘alleged fabrications’ (Mrs Perriot sure is erudite) of much smaller dalla values than $90,000 –but we finally get to say ‘misappropriation.’ Hardly seems fair, true? Here in Bizarro World, villainy is worshipped in exact proportion to the profit it returns.
Being taken for a fool is irritating, even more irritating than standing in line behind a guy who won’t stop picking his nose. Can you see it? Our politicians as belittling nosepickers? But if we, the people standing watching them dig for gold, remain polite and silent in our disgust, how can we expect them to stop?
So Jules, make sure the only colours you see are black and white –of the right or wrong kind. Whether someone is red or blue, Moya or Musa, Vega or Briceno, Fonseca or Zaldivar, it doesn’t matter. Once they injure our country, morally or fiscally, aim your cameras at them. That’s positiveness, Jules!
And Z, shrilling on about $20 million doesn’t make your $90,000 right; it just means you haven’t reached that level. Oh, and look up "red herring." Get a mature grip on your own tattered reputation. Right now, your ego can’t fit in the whole three stories of the mansion you chose to build outside the limits of the battered city you ‘mis’represent, but your integrity couldn’t furnish a single room.
Keep gigglin’ Z, we’re watching.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Foreign Affairs Doggy-Style
Press Release
Ministry of Foreign Affairs
Belmopan, Belize
12th November, 2008. Today the Government of Belize, in the interest of continued good relations between the United States government and our own, contacted the U.S. President Elect’s Chief of Staff, Rahm Emanuel, to make a diplomatic offer, based on needs expressed by U.S. President Elect Barack Obama in his victory speech. The United States has often, throughout our history, been a benefactor in our time of need, and despite the incoming Obama government being a blue one, Belize is pleased to now be in a position to reciprocate.
In his victory speech of 4th November, President Elect Obama promised his daughters “you have earned the puppy that is coming with us.” He later explained to the press that his daughters have allergies and that perhaps a shelter dog could be “a mutt like [him]” and therefore perhaps not the best choice as it would likely not be hypoallergenic.
We believe, and have advised, that we can solve this problem. Therefore, we have offered the Obamas a puppy of our National Breed, colloquially known as the ‘pot-licka.’ As all Belizeans know, the pot-licka, or Belizean Shepherd as it is more properly known, is a dog that requires little or no maintenance. This breed is short-haired and therefore hypoallergenic, has minimal dietary requirements –Presidential chicken bones will do nicely— and certainly qualifies as a ‘mutt.’ The animal would also be a symbol of the new President’s biracial heritage since it will be white and brown, or black and white, or black, brown and white, or….
It is the Government of Belize’s firm belief that this dog is both more attractive and more practical than the current Peruvian offer of a Peruvian Hairless Dog, since the pot-licka can more easily be replaced if run over by the Presidential police escort while attempting to chase the Presidential limousine. Further, owning a Belizean pot-licka will allow President Obama to identify more closely with a large segment of the BelAm population, especially since many of them live in his resident state of Illinois, at least until the authorities find them.
The chosen dog will be issued official Belizean Kennel Club (BKC) papers with the show name ‘Xunantunich,’ though the First Daughters may prefer to call it by the more traditional names of Brownie, or Rusty, or 'Ey-You. Those of you who may worry about the pup's ability to travel are reassured that the remaining BAHA employees as loyal UDP supporters will issue all required certification with no problem. Should President Elect Obama accept our offer, the public is hereby advised that authorities will be rounding up all the pot-lickas in the National Pot-Licka Reserve (a.k.a. Belize City) and taking photos to allow the Obama daughters to make their choice. The public is advised to carefully observe garbage dumps and other areas where wild pot-lickas are known to gather, with a view to finding the best specimen to represent our country.
The public is thanked for its cooperation in this critical diplomatic matter.
Sincerely,
Lou N. Wrasse
Public Relations Officer
Ministry of Foreign Affairs
Belmopan, Belize
12th November, 2008. Today the Government of Belize, in the interest of continued good relations between the United States government and our own, contacted the U.S. President Elect’s Chief of Staff, Rahm Emanuel, to make a diplomatic offer, based on needs expressed by U.S. President Elect Barack Obama in his victory speech. The United States has often, throughout our history, been a benefactor in our time of need, and despite the incoming Obama government being a blue one, Belize is pleased to now be in a position to reciprocate.
In his victory speech of 4th November, President Elect Obama promised his daughters “you have earned the puppy that is coming with us.” He later explained to the press that his daughters have allergies and that perhaps a shelter dog could be “a mutt like [him]” and therefore perhaps not the best choice as it would likely not be hypoallergenic.
We believe, and have advised, that we can solve this problem. Therefore, we have offered the Obamas a puppy of our National Breed, colloquially known as the ‘pot-licka.’ As all Belizeans know, the pot-licka, or Belizean Shepherd as it is more properly known, is a dog that requires little or no maintenance. This breed is short-haired and therefore hypoallergenic, has minimal dietary requirements –Presidential chicken bones will do nicely— and certainly qualifies as a ‘mutt.’ The animal would also be a symbol of the new President’s biracial heritage since it will be white and brown, or black and white, or black, brown and white, or….
It is the Government of Belize’s firm belief that this dog is both more attractive and more practical than the current Peruvian offer of a Peruvian Hairless Dog, since the pot-licka can more easily be replaced if run over by the Presidential police escort while attempting to chase the Presidential limousine. Further, owning a Belizean pot-licka will allow President Obama to identify more closely with a large segment of the BelAm population, especially since many of them live in his resident state of Illinois, at least until the authorities find them.
The chosen dog will be issued official Belizean Kennel Club (BKC) papers with the show name ‘Xunantunich,’ though the First Daughters may prefer to call it by the more traditional names of Brownie, or Rusty, or 'Ey-You. Those of you who may worry about the pup's ability to travel are reassured that the remaining BAHA employees as loyal UDP supporters will issue all required certification with no problem. Should President Elect Obama accept our offer, the public is hereby advised that authorities will be rounding up all the pot-lickas in the National Pot-Licka Reserve (a.k.a. Belize City) and taking photos to allow the Obama daughters to make their choice. The public is advised to carefully observe garbage dumps and other areas where wild pot-lickas are known to gather, with a view to finding the best specimen to represent our country.
The public is thanked for its cooperation in this critical diplomatic matter.
Sincerely,
Lou N. Wrasse
Public Relations Officer
Sunday, November 9, 2008
The Emperors' New Memories -Will the Novelos Keep Their Shirts on?
This weekend’s newspapers report that BDF private Felis Sho was arrested on 31st October for stealing underwear. It seems that Sho’s crime was committed out of sympathy for Tony Novelo. Apparently, earlier that day, Sho heard about Novelo’s statement, later reported on Channel 7, that “I have lost everything...the banks have taken everything...I’m lucky I have this shirt on my back.” Sho has not yet explained why he thought ladies’ underwear would be the helpful thing, and sources nowhere close to the Novelos have suggested that people ought not to worry, as the brothers intend to sue the shoes, pants and undies off the receiver.
Unfortunately, even if he wanted to, Tony Novelo would not be able to assist the misguided Sho, who must provide bail of $2,500 plus two sureties and appear back in court in December. Novelo has claimed that his meager salary is spoken for; that the vehicle he drives belongs to the company that employs him. Apparently even the Rolex he wears is only on loan from his employer to ‘make sure he gets to work on time.’
In barely related news, this week’s victory by Barack Obama was greeted by a great deal of cheering from many local Obama supporters. However, a few McCain supporters expressed their disappointment, suggesting that in large part the U.S. electorate was ‘ageist’ in their thinking. One supporter said “the fact that he couldn’t remember how many homes he owns doesn’t mean he’s senile, people don’t always keep track of these minor details.”
In support of her argument the young lady pointed to a copy of this week’s Reporter newspaper where Antonio Novelo couldn’t ‘recall’ if he owned 12,313 acres of land near the Mopan River in San Jose, Cayo district. ‘When Chebat asked him specifically about [the land], Novelo replied: “I will have to research that, as I cannot recall if I own that land.”’ In the Amandala, ‘Tony also claimed he could not recall owning any shares. According to him, before the receivership there were over 25 companies, including BeliTour, Novelo’s Limited, Novelo’s Bus Line, Western Transport, Northern Transport and Southern Transport, and he doesn’t know if he still has shares in any of them. Tony also couldn’t remember if he is a director of any of those companies.’
Those present observed that because of his age no one claims that Novelo is senile even though he can't recall anything much. Both Tony and David, they said, are proof that bad memory can occur at any age and for reasons other than dementia and further, that Americans had judged McCain harshly and unfairly. “Although,” one guy added, “this also proves that the Novelo boys didn’t spend any significant portion of their $30 million loan on ginkgo biloba.” Maybe they should have; keeping the lies straight requires pristine powers of recall.
Unfortunately, even if he wanted to, Tony Novelo would not be able to assist the misguided Sho, who must provide bail of $2,500 plus two sureties and appear back in court in December. Novelo has claimed that his meager salary is spoken for; that the vehicle he drives belongs to the company that employs him. Apparently even the Rolex he wears is only on loan from his employer to ‘make sure he gets to work on time.’
In barely related news, this week’s victory by Barack Obama was greeted by a great deal of cheering from many local Obama supporters. However, a few McCain supporters expressed their disappointment, suggesting that in large part the U.S. electorate was ‘ageist’ in their thinking. One supporter said “the fact that he couldn’t remember how many homes he owns doesn’t mean he’s senile, people don’t always keep track of these minor details.”
In support of her argument the young lady pointed to a copy of this week’s Reporter newspaper where Antonio Novelo couldn’t ‘recall’ if he owned 12,313 acres of land near the Mopan River in San Jose, Cayo district. ‘When Chebat asked him specifically about [the land], Novelo replied: “I will have to research that, as I cannot recall if I own that land.”’ In the Amandala, ‘Tony also claimed he could not recall owning any shares. According to him, before the receivership there were over 25 companies, including BeliTour, Novelo’s Limited, Novelo’s Bus Line, Western Transport, Northern Transport and Southern Transport, and he doesn’t know if he still has shares in any of them. Tony also couldn’t remember if he is a director of any of those companies.’
Those present observed that because of his age no one claims that Novelo is senile even though he can't recall anything much. Both Tony and David, they said, are proof that bad memory can occur at any age and for reasons other than dementia and further, that Americans had judged McCain harshly and unfairly. “Although,” one guy added, “this also proves that the Novelo boys didn’t spend any significant portion of their $30 million loan on ginkgo biloba.” Maybe they should have; keeping the lies straight requires pristine powers of recall.
Friday, October 31, 2008
Missing: One Belize City Mayor
Ten possibilities where she might be:
- Fell into a pothole and awaiting rescue;
- Drawing up plans for a new floor for her house –in case flood reaches the first three;
- In New Zealand checking what they do when the streets wash away;
- Got attacked by a renegade garbage pile;
- Making change for a Dalla;
- Resting her voice after all the pre-convention interviews;
- Looking between her sofa cushions for $90K;
- Writing her memoir “Fishy Cooperatives -How to Become the, Yuh Know, Mayor;”
- Having her hair done in case Jules drops by;
- Looking for parking on Albert Street.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Realizing Pothole Possibilities
I must congratulate those who've made our fair city what she is today. I refer of course, to Belize City, which has never before looked the way it does now –well, not since the streets were first paved, anyway. I congratulate our municipal leaders, because in its current condition, this city presents tremendous opportunities.
“But the streets,” you cry. “The streets are a complete mess!”
Okay, yes, I’ll concede that the streets are a mess. But seriously, we’ve had massive flooding in the districts, and obviously these floods have destroyed our city streets –personally, I blame the Cayo flood. And anyway, while you’re so focused on the potholes, you’re forgetting that we have two and a half new roundabouts to celebrate about. Be honest, when you’re trying to negotiate those roundabouts, heart in throat, trying not to get broadsided by a taxi driver, you forget all about the potholes, right? Thought so.
Personally, I think The Hans and Nandini Bhojwani Foundation, whatever that is, deserves our profound gratitude for making us forget our lesser problems as we negotiate their obstacle course. I for one would like the Foundation’s address so that I may personally share my feelings on the matter. I'm also depressed when I realize that traffic authorities in New Zealand will never know how much their inspiration affected our stress levels.
However, I digress from the main point of this article. I had started by saying that the current state of the city presents tremendous opportunities. No, you short-sighted today-thinkers, I’m not talking about road contracts to friendly contractors; that’s way too short-term and much too obvious. I’m talking about far deeper (if you’ll pardon my pun) options for commercial gain.
You see, the other day, my car fell into a pothole. I had a lot of time to think while I waited to be rescued. It was, after all, still daytime and the pothole was so deep that no one could hear the car horn or my calls for help. Thank heaven that when it got dark I was able to turn on the car’s lights, and a passerby saw the glow and called for rescue.
While I sat on the edge waiting for the crane to haul out the tow truck that fell in while trying to pull out my car, I made a few notes recording my epiphany. I hope that someone will forward these ideas to Her Lordship so that she can use them to raise a bit more revenue for the city:
- Use the city streets for vehicle testing. I think that major auto companies worldwide can send their SUV prototypes here for road tests. If no more than five or ten pieces fall off a vehicle during a vigorous drive through the city (which must include a drive at moderate speed down Albert and up Regent Streets), and as long as one of those pieces isn't the engine, the auto company can assume that their prototype can go into production and be marketed as rugged enough for any environment.
- Ditto for the tire manufacturers. The standards here would be a bit different, of course. I’d suggest that if only one tire blows out during a drive down those same streets, that’d be success in my book. However, it’ll be up to the engineers to decide if that’s a high enough success measure.
- Consider the possibilities for oil exploration. I haven’t had a chance to research it, but I don’t recall hearing that the government sold exploration rights for Belize City. Now I don’t know that there’s any indication that oil deposits lie below the city, but it occurs to me that some potholes are sufficiently deep that less drilling would be required. So while there mightn’t be any oil, the bean counters should appreciate that exploration costs would certainly be considerably less than drilling inland, even if that’s where the oil actually is.
- Many major cities worldwide contract with large studios to film movies on location in their city. Belize City has been one of these locations in the past, but no one has tried to attract one of these studios to Belize in quite some time. I think it’s time to revisit this income opportunity, and I’m sure that we can jumpstart the whole thing if we can find and attract a studio planning to film a remake of Journey to the Center of the Earth.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
...The Harder We Fall
Well, the 2008 Corruption Perception Index is out, and the big news is…we dropped again! In just three years, our fall from grace has taken us from 66 to 99 to 109 in the number rankings. The optimists amongst us would point out that whereas we slid 33 points in 2007, at least we only slid 10 points this year. Well hurray for us then, Mr Optimist. I’d go for a drink to celebrate, but my celebratory liquor budget is pretty tight, and besides, I’m a little nervous that if I go out I might get jacked.
Clearly, Belize’s image out there could use a generous coating of the strongest deodorant. It really isn’t fair to blame Transparency International or the other star of the September Celebrations, Ross Kemp, for this. If your neighbor comes over to visit and then tells everyone about your filthy house, the worst you can say about her is that she’s a gossip, right? So what do we do about all this gossip? How do we clean our house so that our rankings climb back up the scale for next year?
I’d start by suggesting that this government set the pace for shutting down the negative buzz by aggressively taking matters in hand. Our current leaders should loudly and visibly shut down cronyism and arrest anyone attempting to offer bribes. Start by setting a few examples and everybody else will fall into line in a hurry. Insist that audits be carried out in a timely manner for both Central Government and the municipal authorities, and act on any irregularities that these audits uncover. ACB issued a release insisting on the municipal audits –I look forward to the results, as well as the results of the results, you get what I’m saying?
Her Majesty’s Loyal Opposition could even make this into a bipartisan effort by endorsing whatever actions GOB takes, and let me push things here by using this phrase: “in a mature fashion.” The kind of things I’d love to see the Opposition support include the arrest of anyone trying to bribe a government official, including police officers. Everybody’d have to support the arrest of those accepting the bribes too, or else it just wouldn’t be fair.
Just check out the top five countries on the CPI. The thing I think they have in common is that they attempt to give their citizens a lifestyle that neither forces nor persuades them into corruption, backed up by a set of laws that really motivate people to stay on the straight and narrow path. And between you and me, I don’t think a Singapore prison is nearly as nice as Kolbe. We should learn from this.
Maybe it’d be easier just to bribe Transparency International.
Subscribe to Unbelievable Belize for email or RSS delivery, or just visit and add your thoughts and comments.
Clearly, Belize’s image out there could use a generous coating of the strongest deodorant. It really isn’t fair to blame Transparency International or the other star of the September Celebrations, Ross Kemp, for this. If your neighbor comes over to visit and then tells everyone about your filthy house, the worst you can say about her is that she’s a gossip, right? So what do we do about all this gossip? How do we clean our house so that our rankings climb back up the scale for next year?
I’d start by suggesting that this government set the pace for shutting down the negative buzz by aggressively taking matters in hand. Our current leaders should loudly and visibly shut down cronyism and arrest anyone attempting to offer bribes. Start by setting a few examples and everybody else will fall into line in a hurry. Insist that audits be carried out in a timely manner for both Central Government and the municipal authorities, and act on any irregularities that these audits uncover. ACB issued a release insisting on the municipal audits –I look forward to the results, as well as the results of the results, you get what I’m saying?
Her Majesty’s Loyal Opposition could even make this into a bipartisan effort by endorsing whatever actions GOB takes, and let me push things here by using this phrase: “in a mature fashion.” The kind of things I’d love to see the Opposition support include the arrest of anyone trying to bribe a government official, including police officers. Everybody’d have to support the arrest of those accepting the bribes too, or else it just wouldn’t be fair.
Just check out the top five countries on the CPI. The thing I think they have in common is that they attempt to give their citizens a lifestyle that neither forces nor persuades them into corruption, backed up by a set of laws that really motivate people to stay on the straight and narrow path. And between you and me, I don’t think a Singapore prison is nearly as nice as Kolbe. We should learn from this.
Maybe it’d be easier just to bribe Transparency International.
Subscribe to Unbelievable Belize for email or RSS delivery, or just visit and add your thoughts and comments.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
A Solution to Our Crime Problem
Tonight the country of Belize was treated to an episode of Ross Kemp on Gangs filmed mainly in Belize City. Objectively speaking, the show was a mixture of truth and self-serving exaggeration, with a colorful overlay of sensationalistic crap. This is to be expected, but let’s not lose the main point, which is the fact that we really do have a gang problem. We also have a weapons problem, an explosives problem, a drug problem, a crime problem, and a full assortment of sexual problems. Of late, you can even add the problem of constantly disappearing intransit ‘pharmaceuticals’ to this ever-growing list.
Fear not however, this evening’s news reminded us that the authorities are vigorously attacking the [insert name here] situation. They have pulled together all the necessary resources, asserted themselves and…held a press conference! Yes, that’s right, the new head-on method for attacking these problems is to have press conferences wherein senior law enforcement officials explain what they are doing and, uh, why they can’t quite reach that elusive goal of solving The Problem of the Day.
Let’s be fair though, the authorities can't solve all these problems by themselves, can they? If they could, then the problems would hardly be worth the price of Ross Kemp’s plane ticket. These problems won’t be solved until we can all pull together as a community and put up a unified front against crime. Bringing us together will, I realize, require truly strong, moral and upstanding leadership.
We need the kind of credible, trustworthy, nonpolitical leadership we’ve been conditioned to expect from our church leaders. That's why I’m proud to see the Council of Churches speaking up. They even issued a press release recently. In this release, they decried, in the strongest possible terms, the government’s plan to...have the Independence Day parade on, of all days, Independence Day! Yes, this sort of infringement on our collective morals had to be roundly condemned lest it damn our souls for all eternity.
Now, I’m sure that having achieved victory in this major and potentially catastrophic issue, our newly emboldened church leaders will be able to move quickly past it in order to focus on the lesser issues of murder, robbery and general mayhem ensuing in our streets.
I look forward to their press conference.
Fear not however, this evening’s news reminded us that the authorities are vigorously attacking the [insert name here] situation. They have pulled together all the necessary resources, asserted themselves and…held a press conference! Yes, that’s right, the new head-on method for attacking these problems is to have press conferences wherein senior law enforcement officials explain what they are doing and, uh, why they can’t quite reach that elusive goal of solving The Problem of the Day.
Let’s be fair though, the authorities can't solve all these problems by themselves, can they? If they could, then the problems would hardly be worth the price of Ross Kemp’s plane ticket. These problems won’t be solved until we can all pull together as a community and put up a unified front against crime. Bringing us together will, I realize, require truly strong, moral and upstanding leadership.
We need the kind of credible, trustworthy, nonpolitical leadership we’ve been conditioned to expect from our church leaders. That's why I’m proud to see the Council of Churches speaking up. They even issued a press release recently. In this release, they decried, in the strongest possible terms, the government’s plan to...have the Independence Day parade on, of all days, Independence Day! Yes, this sort of infringement on our collective morals had to be roundly condemned lest it damn our souls for all eternity.
Now, I’m sure that having achieved victory in this major and potentially catastrophic issue, our newly emboldened church leaders will be able to move quickly past it in order to focus on the lesser issues of murder, robbery and general mayhem ensuing in our streets.
I look forward to their press conference.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)