Headlines You'll Never Read in the Belize News

Increased Illegal Immigration from China -Officials Blame Deep Potholes for Providing Access

Breaking News! Insiders Confirm Zenaida's Hair is Real

Political Parties Agree...to Disagree -Public D'uh Rating Hits Unprecedented High

"Clear the Land's" Secret Twin Brother, "Clear the Sea" Identified as Gaspar Vega

Attorney General Admits Justice System "May Have One or Two Flaws"

PUC Head Agrees to Salary Decrease in Line With Fuel Price Reductions

PUP Party Postponed Indefinitely -No Cheese for Wine-rs

Honesty Not Best Policy, Survey of Belizean Politicians Reveals

Former Finance Minister Makes Statement to Court -Says "Nyah-nyah, Can't Catch Me!"

And finally...

Mayor "Just Dizzy" About Roundabouts, Says Trees in Parks are "Highly Overrated, Yuh Knoa?"

My Big Fat Kruffy Wedding

That's what one of my friends calls it, this 'wedding of the century' between our PM and his Princess Bride.

Kim, my dear, you don't know me, but since I apparently already think of you as my First Lady, I feel compelled to give you a leebit…er…I mean, a modicum of advice. You see, we Belizeans don't really care that you're getting married. For the most part we tend to think, if we bother to think about it at all, that it's about time Dean made an honest woman out of you, whatever that means. We do wish you well, most of us. It is, I would say, a story written by Barbara Cartland, if she came to Belize, dropped all the noble titles, added a three-year-old daughter to the love story, and spoke more fluent Kriol…or any Kriol at all.

However, when you decide to go to a newspaper to tell them that you want a private wedding without any fuss, what you will get is…well…fuss. When you decide to fly in the Bishop of Belize for your wedding, that’s fuss. When you tell the newspaper that the dress is by Monique Lhuillier, and that the groom will wear “Armani or something like that,” yep, you guessed it, that’s fuss too. A guest list of 110? I think you’ve succeeded in importing a fair amount of fuss and extinguishing the desired privacy. But you’re marrying a big, important guy –whose marital history is way too detailed for such an article (a kid in jail needs mentioning for this?)– so a certain amount of fuss is in order, and I can see why you’d look forward to a cozy chat with the Savannah Morning News. Just don’t then say for the record that you didn’t want ‘fuss.’ That’s more coyness than our culture can handle with a straight face.

Regrettably, the long lenses of the Belizean paparazzi do not stretch to Savannah, and that, I’m guessing, is the point. Perhaps Ms. Landers will report on the event now that she's brought it to our attention, no? Honestly, I personally don’t care what country you get married in, that’s your prerogative as Princess Bride. However, if you had wanted less fuss and practically no bother to speak of, you could have still done it here somewhere –our paparazzi don’t work weekends.

Kim, we wish you well as you walk down the aisle with Dean, it apparently is a marriage made in designer heaven. May you have a long and happy life together. And most of all, we thank you for the laughter you’ve given us courtesy of the Savannah Morning News.

The Blagojevich Doctrine

Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich has done a lot for America (and the world) in the last couple of months.  On center stage we’ve had a country (and the world) reeling from the effects of a recession so deep that nobody knows where the bottom is (nor does anyone want to find out), and then the biggest political clown we’ve seen in some time enters from stage left.  If you take it from the point of view of dark humor, which I do, this guy provides serious comic relief.  Admittedly, if I were an Illinois voter/taxpayer, I’d probably be pretty miffed at me for laughing.

Whatever, I’m a Belizean voter through and through.  Even when I wonder why I’m bothering, I still hike down to the polling station in my division, brave the long lines, and dutifully cast my vote for the person who in my opinion might be the least crooked and the most likely to give half a damn about my country even while he/she’s picking my pockets clean.  I’m not kidding about the pockets; the last gal who got my vote of semi-confidence has even taken the lint!  Maybe she needs it to mop the marble floors of her sumptuous abode, you know?

What do I think of Blago?  I’m thinking the man is merely a victim of geography.  Be honest, if he were politicking here, what he’s accused of would seem to be business (and politics) as usual, right?  Let’s say someone here taped [your area rep] discussing a board appointment on the phone.  Do you think the conversation would have been much different?  I mean, other than the cuss words used –like maybe saying r—s instead of f—k every so often?  Sadly, we sort of expect this stuff by now.

I admit, I don’t especially care at this point which party’s in power at what electoral level; they have become all the same to me, except that some are better con artists than others.

What does bother me is this question:  is our current PM just naïve, or is he disingenuous?  It’s a fair question, given his statement of certainty during his New Year’s Address, where he said “…it is my proudest boast that the corruption at the very top, which became endemic under the last government, has been utterly and completely eliminated.”  Whaaat?!

PM, I do know lawyer-speak when I hear it, so I figure that what you mean is that YOU’RE not corrupt because you’re the guy at the very top.  And in that respect I’m willing to believe you.  But unless you make all the rules, enforce them yourself, fire your entire Cabinet and never leave the country again so that no one else ‘acts’ in your place, that’s not good enough. 

Prime Minister, my ma teach me when I mi small ‘nuh fi sway fi nobaddy.’  She also taught me to ‘si wid yuh own eye.’  Now here’s me, giving you a chance, figuring you mean well, that you’ll get things under control, and then a mere eleven months after you got the job you’re trying to trick me into thinking that the biggest, most entrenched thing out there done fix?  That the air is now clear of the toxic, smog-thick stench of corruption and that we can toss our gas masks out for SEL to maybe pick up if they were paid this week?  No, no, NO man!!!  Are you really willing to swear for your entire Cabinet?  Because we need more than just you being straight to achieve incorruptible governance ‘at the top.’

Plus, residents of your largest municipality are finding that corruption can be deadly at municipal government levels too.  We’ve found out firsthand that it becomes both contagious and corrosive when mixed with arrogant, aggressive incompetence. This corruption spreads the garbage and, like acid, eats ever-deeper potholes into our neglected road surfaces.

Prime Minister, YOU don’t have to be corrupt in order for corruption to rule.  All you have to do is turn a blind eye to it.  Do you know the cost of that blindness?  It makes for impotent leadership, which in turn leads to anarchy.  Trickle-down corruption, even now in full flood, creates an ineffective judicial-legal system, reduces tax collections, and encourages both actual and economic vigilantism.  In short, the people have begun to take the law into their own hands and to keep their tax money to themselves too –we’ll talk about that some other time.

Mr Prime Minister, it isn’t enough to say that YOU’RE not corrupt; you must be seen to be actively rooting out corruption, starting at the level just below the ‘very top’ (if I correctly interpret your lawyerly hair-cleaving) and energetically ripping it out at all levels –without political prejudice, if you please!  Use both hands and your teeth if need be.  Only when you’ve done this can we truly have the “sunlit terrain of justice and prosperity that we all desire and deserve.”

Meanwhile, I’ll continue watching Blago and wondering if he learned his politics from us.  If he ever says r—s I’ll know the answer.

International Anti-Corruption Day

Okay people, the UN finally gave us one day that openly addresses the situation our country faces on all 365 of them. That day is today, December 9th 2008, it’s called International Anti-Corruption Day, and the intention is to raise public awareness of corruption and what people can do to fight it.

Now the good news is that in terms of the UN’s public awareness goals, we in Belize can proudly say that we’re halfway there. Yep, we are making progress. UN boys, you can go back and tell your bosses that the public in Belize is fully aware of corruption. Of course, now that we know about it, what do we do with it?

Let’s see, while I'm aware of it in general terms, I still have a few questions, just to get a feel for the possibilities/limits re corruption:

Do two wrongs make a right? If I forcibly rip an illegal red license plate off a ministerial (i.e. government-owned) vehicle, is that then a legal act?  Because those stupid things are driving me crazy, and I may yet do that!

If I’m found driving my boss’ government car with contraband liquor in the trunk, is it appropriate for him to suspend me, or is it more ethical for him just to fire me? Keep in mind, if he fires me, I might know something, yuh knoa? Me breaking the law, that’s secondary to other considerations, right?

If I divert money intended for another project to pay for a project that I never should have guaranteed in the first place, a project I supported against the gale force winds of public fury, is that naughty of me? I mean, we’re only talking about, say, maybe $20 million or so, and I didn’t pocket a penny from that particular transaction, so how could that be wrong?

If the stink of corruption is heavy upon some of my political donors, it’s still okay for me to take their money and reward them with choice appointments, right? I mean, I can’t control their corruption so it’s nothing to do with me...right?

Okay, now I know the answer to this one, so I’ll just list it, it’s not actually a question: as a government minister, it is perfectly acceptable for me to get involved in real estate or contract or tender awards, using my power to influence transactions. If the buyer is so happy that he gifts me with a suitcase full of cash, how could that possibly be wrong?

Similarly, it cannot possibly be wrong for me to allow the importation of products that are, um, restricted from importation. The fact that a supporter or even family member might benefit from this selectively lifted restriction is purely coincidence.

Finally, and only 'cause I'm tired and it's late and I'm sleepy, I'll throw in this last, easy one.  If the city suffers and is strewn with garbage because the cleaners don't get paid regularly; if potholes aren't getting fixed at any visible rate of speed; if major commercial downtown streets are inaccessible to traffic for ridiculous lengths of time; if said streets remain unhealthily dusty, are ridiculously designed despite all complaints made beforehand, and don't seem to be getting fixed any year soon...isn't this a good time for the City Council to bring up the word 'raise?'

Yeah, I thought so.

Can you think of other examples where politicians’ moral compasses have clearly lost true north? If you can, and I bet you already have, add your thoughts using the comment feature below.

Giving Thanks for...Thanksgiving?

I have, for years, managed to hold my temper when I see hotels and restaurants advertising Thanksgiving lunch. Hey, we’re a tourism-based economy; it makes sense to make our guests feel welcome, right? I’m cool with that idea. But I draw the line at a store using a holiday that has nothing to do with us (hell, we don’t even get the day off) to sell tennis shoes. I’m not gonna say which store, but its name puts me in mind of desert-based hallucinations.


Okay, I thought, this store’s owner doesn’t understand what this holiday means; maybe I should explain. So here goes:

Back in 1621 in England, there were some people who couldn’t tolerate people around them having fun. The idea of folks going out late to the clubs, listening to loud minstrel music, and speeding all over town on their horses, drunk on mead and wine and whatever, was simply unacceptable. These people were called Puritans, but for better understanding you might think of them as Jehovah’s Witnesses.

So one day, a bunch of these Puritan guys were sitting around drinking water and grumbling about how teenagers today dress, with all the colorful clothes and ruffs, shiny swords and such, and after they’d said their seventeenth prayers of the day, one of them had an idea. He turned around to the others and said something like “if we moveth to the New World, our lives shall be drab and dreary as God willeth and we shall never haveth fun again. We shall planteth and prayeth and foundeth a great nation where people eateth turkey in our name but once a year, and our great nation shall prosper until evil greed and a silly President and a woman named Palin shall bringeth it to its knees.”

All talked it through and unanimously agreed that this was an excellent idea; several of the men thought secretly that the Palin woman was one hot chick, which made it even better. With that they got together a bunch of people who had just come in from selling Watchtower parchments and set out to find a ship. They finally found the Mayflower (named after the trees that blossom in March/April) and hitched a ride since it was going to Virginia. Unfortunately, the captain’s GPS malfunctioned en route and they landed at Plymouth Rock instead. There they met the Wampanoag Indians who asked to be called Native Americans and made them welcome. As part of the welcome ritual, they gave the Indians beads and the Indians gave them land which they would later return to the Indians for a casino development.

Now, there’s a lot more to this history, but suffice it to say that at some point the Puritan pilgrims were so happy to be able to be as miserable as they had always wanted that they had a great feast involving turkey and Sara Lee pumpkin pie, and sat with the Indians to watch a football game afterwards –the Redskins played the Chiefs that year.

And that was how Thanksgiving began. Now folks, at no point did the Mayflower make a refueling stop in Belize, and I want to stress that our local Puritans get really grumpy when we celebrate anything. The only folks that did get thrown out of somewhere else and end up docking here were in fact deported from their port of embarkation because they knew how to dance the punta and made all the backras look really bad when they couldn’t move their hips like that. If they hadn’t arrived when they did, we wouldn’t have Watina and fish sere and a few other things the Puritans probably wouldn't like.

So in the future, can we please reserve our celebrations for holidays that are about fun people? Because I don’t know about you, but I’m not as thankful as you might think to be offered a magazine by somebody ringing my bell on a Sunday morning and wanting to talk about the bible while I’m nursing my goma –my feet are still sore from dancing too much punta.

In short, Happy…Thursday!

Positiveness, Jules, Positiveness!

On 15th October, the Prime Minister summarized the Mayor’s receipt of an excess $90,000 in salary, stipend, or whateveryacallit, as a ‘miscommunication’ or ‘misunderstanding.’ If you did this in the private sector, your employer would zoom past those ‘mis’es, continue past ‘misappropriation’ and land on ‘embezzlement’ or ‘theft.’ Or, maybe he’d overlook the ‘mis’take if he thought you brought him several thousand customers in return, true? Guilt and results are inversely related, apparently. So, given that in the World of Politics, the only results that matter are how many convention votes she (ahem) commissioned, Her Lordship’s not guilty –it’s just reimbursement of expenses.

These days, the public sector is the center of our own Bizarro World, where beggars are choosers, losers win, and immorality is the new morality. Only under such rules can I believe that Mayor Z deserves this lee bonus the PM granted her. But given the number of personnel now on suspension from City Hall, she might be the only critter left minding the shop, except for the cleaning lady and a coupla Charlie Prices. Okay, let’s give her a raise! Summarizing the rest of a Mayor’s daily concerns:

Potholes? Trivial.

Garbage-strewn, dust-laden streets? Insignificant.

Overgrown rat-infested empty lots? Irrelevant!

Unpaid taxes we’re too lazy to collect? Wayne, say something! Do that whining voodoo that you do so well!

An invitation to fly halfway around the world? Come, Dalla Moya, pack your bags and carry mine, we fly Fus’ Class, yuh knoa?

Well, the lady disappeared for a bit (see Missing: One Belize City Mayor), but she’s back with a giggling vengeance (and wanting that raise) while many lesser folk are in trouble over ‘alleged fabrications’ (Mrs Perriot sure is erudite) of much smaller dalla values than $90,000 –but we finally get to say ‘misappropriation.’ Hardly seems fair, true? Here in Bizarro World, villainy is worshipped in exact proportion to the profit it returns.

Being taken for a fool is irritating, even more irritating than standing in line behind a guy who won’t stop picking his nose. Can you see it? Our politicians as belittling nosepickers? But if we, the people standing watching them dig for gold, remain polite and silent in our disgust, how can we expect them to stop?

So Jules, make sure the only colours you see are black and white –of the right or wrong kind. Whether someone is red or blue, Moya or Musa, Vega or Briceno, Fonseca or Zaldivar, it doesn’t matter. Once they injure our country, morally or fiscally, aim your cameras at them. That’s positiveness, Jules!

And Z, shrilling on about $20 million doesn’t make your $90,000 right; it just means you haven’t reached that level. Oh, and look up "red herring."  Get a mature grip on your own tattered reputation. Right now, your ego can’t fit in the whole three stories of the mansion you chose to build outside the limits of the battered city you ‘mis’represent, but your integrity couldn’t furnish a single room.

Keep gigglin’ Z, we’re watching.

Foreign Affairs Doggy-Style

Press Release
Ministry of Foreign Affairs
Belmopan, Belize

12th November, 2008. Today the Government of Belize, in the interest of continued good relations between the United States government and our own, contacted the U.S. President Elect’s Chief of Staff, Rahm Emanuel, to make a diplomatic offer, based on needs expressed by U.S. President Elect Barack Obama in his victory speech. The United States has often, throughout our history, been a benefactor in our time of need, and despite the incoming Obama government being a blue one, Belize is pleased to now be in a position to reciprocate.

In his victory speech of 4th November, President Elect Obama promised his daughters “you have earned the puppy that is coming with us.” He later explained to the press that his daughters have allergies and that perhaps a shelter dog could be “a mutt like [him]” and therefore perhaps not the best choice as it would likely not be hypoallergenic.

We believe, and have advised, that we can solve this problem. Therefore, we have offered the Obamas a puppy of our National Breed, colloquially known as the ‘pot-licka.’ As all Belizeans know, the pot-licka, or Belizean Shepherd as it is more properly known, is a dog that requires little or no maintenance. This breed is short-haired and therefore hypoallergenic, has minimal dietary requirements –Presidential chicken bones will do nicely— and certainly qualifies as a ‘mutt.’ The animal would also be a symbol of the new President’s biracial heritage since it will be white and brown, or black and white, or black, brown and white, or….

It is the Government of Belize’s firm belief that this dog is both more attractive and more practical than the current Peruvian offer of a Peruvian Hairless Dog, since the pot-licka can more easily be replaced if run over by the Presidential police escort while attempting to chase the Presidential limousine. Further, owning a Belizean pot-licka will allow President Obama to identify more closely with a large segment of the BelAm population, especially since many of them live in his resident state of Illinois, at least until the authorities find them.

The chosen dog will be issued official Belizean Kennel Club (BKC) papers with the show name ‘Xunantunich,’ though the First Daughters may prefer to call it by the more traditional names of Brownie, or Rusty, or 'Ey-You. Those of you who may worry about the pup's ability to travel are reassured that the remaining BAHA employees as loyal UDP supporters will issue all required certification with no problem. Should President Elect Obama accept our offer, the public is hereby advised that authorities will be rounding up all the pot-lickas in the National Pot-Licka Reserve (a.k.a. Belize City) and taking photos to allow the Obama daughters to make their choice. The public is advised to carefully observe garbage dumps and other areas where wild pot-lickas are known to gather, with a view to finding the best specimen to represent our country.

The public is thanked for its cooperation in this critical diplomatic matter.

Sincerely,

Lou N. Wrasse
Public Relations Officer