Monday, April 28, 2008

Port Security for Dummies

The wall comes tumbling down…well, no, not totally. Let me explain for the benefit of those who have been living in a cave for the past few days. I don’t think tourists realize that the simple act of shopping outside the designated port can be hazardous, but fortunately FSTV has once again stepped up to protect their interest –I mean the tourists’ interests, of course. Once the court insisted that FSTV must ‘Bruk Down DI Wall,’ FSTV also decided to ‘Bruk Down DI Boardwalk.’ This is good news for local ISPS experts, because we knew that the Bad People would only have come from either Brown Sugar or Michael Colin’s ends of the boardwalk.

We know that the Bad People could never get away with landing a boat on a crowded day nor could they have strolled through the landside entrance to FSTV disguised as innocent tourists. We also know that the Really Bad People would never rent a helicopter and approach by air. We totally understand that the only potential danger points that FSTV security can’t guard effectively are the two ends of the boardwalk. Fortunately, the Bad People are lazy and not at all creative, so these are the only ways they would try to get into the ‘designated port’ to harm those poor, unwitting tourists, and therefore their plans have been foiled once more.

We onlookers are relieved to know that folks from FSTV and the Port Authority are being so diligent about port security, and if I may, I’d like to relay a few of our suggestions to keep that ISPS code intact and therefore maintain our status as a secure cruise port so the ships don’t stop coming:

1. Taxi drivers taking people on tour should be encouraged to drive a little faster or stay out of the way of regular traffic flow. Slow taxis can make an inviting target, and Homeland Security would frown on a minivan-load of American citizens suffering from whiplash inflicted by a malicious rear-end collision.

2. Hair braiders should be asked to quietly warn people before they begin that Caucasians with braided hair tend to look ridiculous. We would hate for one of them to look in a mirror after the fact and be terrified by their own reflection, and we suspect that the cruise industry may begin to regard these procedures as random acts of terrorism after enough people have been reduced to cringing masses of well-braided fear.

3. Shops inside FSTV ought to be carefully vetted for tacky yet overpriced souvenirs. Excessive exposure to cheap t-shirts and flimsy imported souvenirs with ‘Belize’ painted on them could be interpreted as a threat to tourism.

4. Another potential problem you might have overlooked: fish. Now, we don’t imagine that there are too many fish hanging around in the water near FSTV, but don’t underestimate their sneakiness…and keep in mind that they travel in gangs, which they call ‘schools.’ Clever, huh? No one can predict what fish will get up to while they hide underwater and swim around the tenders unseen and unheard, probably looking for weak spots.

Now, there are probably many other things we haven’t yet thought of, but since it’s everyone’s duty to protect cruise tourism, we thought it best to speak up. We’ve held back our thoughts for a long time, but once you guys broke through the boardwalk your actions demonstrated your serious dedication to keeping the tourists safe from all harm while they’re visiting. We think that’s commendable and we do hope that our suggestions are helpful.

Oh yes, and watch out for dive-bombing pigeons!

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